If You're Reading This (I'm already home)

On the way to the grocery store today, I flipped radio stations to the other local country radio station (I normally listen to one of the local versions of Froggy), Y108. The song that was playing was unfamiliar to me, but I identified it almost immediately as Tim McGraw. Since I generally like Tim McGraw's music, I sat in the parking lot to hear the end of the song - and was in tears long before the last note.

I've talked before about my lack of close, personal contact with the military as I was growing up. My exposure was limited to knowing that a couple of my uncles had been active war-time military at some point long before I was born. They didn't talk about it, and I didn't ask. It wasn't until I got into online blogging that I first had friends that were either active military service members or were spouses of active service members.

I met an Army wife on Xanga who was stationed in Germany with her 2 young children while her husband was deployed in Iraq. I started talking to an Army specialist who was being deployed to Iraq - and who has since returned home, but is facing another deployment soon. I met D, a good friend in the Air Force who is stationed up in Idaho - and who patiently listens to me babble on about my feelings about the military, and tries to explain the other side of things for me. And I met 2 other very dear friends via FFXI - M., a staff sergeant, and S, his wife. When one of M's officers was killed in the line of duty over a year ago, I drove to St. Louis, MO to be there with S for the funeral. (See To Show My Support)

Since then, a man who is the closest thing I have ever had to a brother has joined the Air Force, and I am so proud of him for making that choice. It was really the best thing for his future and his goals, and he followed it even though it was so very different from any of his previous experience.

With all these connections to various aspects of military service in my life now, songs like the one I heard today hit very close to home for me. "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw is a story told from the point of view of a soldier who died while serving overseas, about the things he wishes he could have done, and the things he wishes for the future of his family.

One line talks about how he won't get to see the birth of his daughter, and what he hopes for her. That line is the one that broke the dam for me - M and S are trying to start their family, and I'm terrified that S is going to get pregnant, and then find out that M is being deployed again. These people are very important to me, and the idea of this kind of thing happening to them is just something I have a hard time handling. I knew that this was the risk that military familes took, but it has never felt so real, so close before.

There is a tribute version of this song done by Brien Travis, that is in a different style than Tim McGraw's version - you can hear it on his MySpace page, Brien Travis Music.

If You're Reading This (I'm already home)

If you're reading this
My momma is sitting there
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss
War was just a game we played when we were kids
Well I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up my boots
I'm up here with God
And we're both watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed where it would go.
If you're reading this I'm already home.

If you're reading this
Half way around the world
I won't be there to see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stand up for the innocent and the weak
I'm laying down my gun
Hanging up my boots
Tell dad I don't regret that id follow in his shoes

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul is where my momma always prayed where it would go
If you're reading this, I'm already home

If you're reading this, there is going to come a day
You move on and find someone else and that?s okay
Just remember this
I'm in a better place
Soldiers live in peace and angels sing amazing grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul is where my momma prayed where that it would go
If you're reading this
If you're reading this
I'm already home

Crossposted to my personal journal.

To Show my Support

I am leaving in about 5 hours, and driving to St. Louis for the funeral of a woman I never met. Her name is Amanda Pinson, she was 21 - killed a few days ago.

Why am I driving 10 hours to her funeral, when I never met her in my life?

She was a U.S. Army soldier, killed in a mortar attack in Tikrit, Iraq on March 16, 2006. Her commanding officer is a dear friend of mine, and is (naturally) still in Iraq with the rest of his soldiers. If you are on my video games filter, on my personal journal, you've seen me talk about a man I know from playing FFXI, M. - how happy I was when he was home on R&R, how much I worry about him. M. was Amanda's commanding officer.

Especially because M. cannot be there, his wife S. (another dear friend of mine) wants to show all the support she can for Amanda's family - as do I. I want to make sure they know that someone cares about the fact their 21-year-old daughter was killed.

She had been recently promoted to E5, gotten engaged, and was due to come home on R&R herself soon. Her fiance was wounded in the same attack that took her life - I saw a photo of him, standing with the aid of a cane due to the shrapnel still in his leg, saluting the military memorial to his "baby girl" and I cried for the next 20 minutes. The look on his face will haunt me for the rest of my life, I think. That is why I am driving 10 hours to attend her funeral - to make sure that her family knows that there is someone out there who cares.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am not generally pro-military, and that I absolutely don't support this war. But these soldiers - men and women who, many of them, are younger than me - I do support them. And dammit, I want to make sure that they know that.

Since I learned of Amanda's death, I have been bouncing between very sad and very angry about it. Life is sacred to me, and any premature loss of life hurts. Amanda certainly knew what she was signing up for when she joined the Army in 2003 - and she knew the risk to her life was real - but she believed in what she was doing. I may not agree with most military action - but I want to honor the fact that she knew her own convictions and followed them. She knew what she believed in, accepted the risks of that, and did it anyway. That is most worthy of honor.

If you would like to read the article that appeared in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch the day after Amanda's death, it is available online. Danger Could Not Deter Local Soldier

If I receive permission to repost the photo of her fiance, I may post that at a later time, as well. For now, look at that article, at her picture - and know that she will never come home, never get married, never finish her dreams for her life. But also know that she died following her own convictions. I don't support the reason she had to be there - but I do support her, and all those like her, that truly believe in what they are doing.